Mood » Odd
Music » “Sun & Moon feat. Richard Bedford” by Above & Beyond
Novel » The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot
It’s definitely been a very long time since I last wrote a “real” blog. I guess everything & anything I’ve ever wanted to talk about ends up being a discussion with a friend, making it a redundant topic. I’ve never been so disinterested in my most popular site before & it’s still strange to me that I haven’t rushed to return comments from last year. I just don’t get it. Things always change, but I didn’t see this happening until I got into Medical school. I loved this site. It was my baby, my passion; now it sits taking up space.
The strange this is, this growing apathy is beginning to seep into other aspects of my life from relationships to current affairs. I can’t tell if I’ve somehow lost a part of me that used to truly empathize & sympathize with others or if my heart is turning 50 shades darker edging on stone cold grey. It’s not as though I have the inability to feel–show me videos of cute puppies & I’ll squeal with glee or put on A Little Princess to watch me make a man-made pool in front of your eyes–I just haven’t been able to truly sympathize with specific events. Perhaps I’ve always been this way, but never noticed it before, but it’s caused me to take a step back & ponder the meaning or origin of my apathy.
A few of my friends & I adventured out to Old Town Pasadena for lunch when we passed what one of them thought was USC, UCLA’s rival. This segued into a conversation on a recent shooting of two innocent USC students near campus. My friend, a very intelligent & passionate individual, spoke about their deaths with such remorse & regret that it wouldn’t have surprised me if she cried. She seemed truly upset by the deaths of these two innocent students, whom she didn’t know, who were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Who’s to blame her for her sympathy? It struck me as odd that I didn’t feel mournful the way she had.
Is it because innocent people die everyday at every age, whether by weapon(s), disease, starvation, or abuse that I’ve become so jaded? Has the brevity of the situation lost meaning because it happens everywhere? Has my bias against USC’s dangerous neighborhood proved to be so strong that the shootings were not surprising? Am I somehow clinically depressed, but haven’t come to terms with it? Is there something wrong with me? Is my friend overreacting or am I under reacting? Nevertheless, I hope that justice is served. Those families deserve it.
As I’ve mentioned, I absolutely understand how heartbreaking it is for a family to lose someone who was so young & full of ambitions & goals. You certainly don’t wind up at USC if you’re a bum without ambition. What I’m trying to express is that I didn’t emotionally dwell on the passings the way my friend did. I suppose finding out that 18 people were killed in Syria despite their cease-fire today, got me more riled up, but why? Just because more were killed? I’m not heartless, I swear, rather, just baffled that I didn’t feel what my friend did.
I cannot begin to describe how many times I’ve felt so distant from someone just because I can’t sympathize with whatever it happens to be that makes them upset or what they’re complaining about. They’re always trivial, petty, uncontrollable events that cause complaints. Other times, my friends would get riled up over their own biased assumptions about something or someone without any evidence. I mean, how do you know that girl gave you a dirty look? You don’t even know her. What if she had something in her eye? Why get your panties in a bunch over something you can’t control?! Either I’ve lost my ability to relate, gained the ability to let go, or I’ve become a lot more rational that it’s practically instinct. Or maybe I’m depressed, but I don’t feel it; I really don’t know. Let’s hope that I’ve just become more rational.
Mood » Chilly
Music » “Maze Feat. Tyler Sherrit” by First State
Novel » Genie by Russ Rymer
I’m not going to make up any excuses for my absence because I’ve been just as busy before in the past & still made room for AI. I have felt disconnected with this whole blogging atmosphere & even more so, I haven’t replied to 50% of the comments I received, but I will get to them eventually. The reason behind my disconnect is still unknown to me, but I’m fighting it! I feel like a total jerk ignoring so many of my readers/visitors. I really didn’t mean to. After I get some of my academic items finished, I will try my best to get to returning comments.
I really think I owe a huge apology to those that are still waiting for a review, a comment returned, & all of my affiliates that I haven’t kept up with. I’m sorry! At least I come bearing some gifts!!
Happy holidays everyone! Just in case I don’t update for another 3 months. I’m here to stay, just don’t depend on any weekly updates, sadly.
Mood » Bereft
Music » “Verona” by Geographer
Novel » Intern by Sandeep Jauhar
I’ve lost much interest in this website, which was my favorite thing to work on during my spare time. However, I still feel a bit of an attachment to Aesthetic Intoxication the way one would feel about outgrowing their favorite outfit; no matter how many times you try to fit into it, you’re just too big for it. I feel that I can & will do bigger things beyond what I’ve done with this site.
My disinterest stems from all the vapid blogs I stumble upon. I’ve found myself yelling aloud, “WHO CARES THAT A CELEBRITY RETWEETED YOU!? WHAT THE HECK WAS THE POINT OF YOUR BLOG & WHY DID YOU FEEL IT WAS NECESSARY TO BE PUBLICIZED TO THE WORLD?” I acknowledge that complaining about the complainers doesn’t make me any better than them, so you can’t chastise me about that.
It is clear that we all have problems, but most of us who own a computer experience First World problems. In other words, our problems are quintessentially trite relative to an individual whose family expired due to famine. Try to put your issues in perspective instead of sulking in your woes. Attempt to alleviate another’s ailments, no matter how small the gesture.
This generation seems to receive their news from Twitter, Facebook, &/or other social media networks, which is absolutely pathetic. How many of you know about Amy Winehouse’s death, but didn’t know about the bombing & massacre in Norway? What about the collision of a bullet train in China killing 35? Or what about America’s ineffective congress that can’t work together to manage our debt? Why is it that following a celebrity’s tweets is more worthy of people’s attention spans than current affairs far greater than the celebrity?
Our constant petty complaints, I feel, can be partly attributed to our ignorance of the world around us. Some of us have it so good that we can afford to complain about pink socks. It is selfish, altricial, irresponsible, & dangerous for us to continue in this ignorant manner though. The evolution of our technology has far surpassed the evolution of humanity. In a time in which you can access the occurrences across the globe in 10 seconds, you’d think more of us would be well-informed.
Humanity likes to believe it’s superior because it possesses an incredibly beautiful & unique manner in which it expresses empathy, humility, & magnanimity. Yet, we destroy one another through warfare, political & socioeconomic instability instead of banding together through the advances of technological globalization. We’ve cast out world affairs as drivel & would rather focus our attention on celebrity gossip.
If I had half the power & influence of Britney Spears, I’d shed light on some of the world’s worst problems. Even if you have a blog of over 300 viewers, don’t underestimate how influential you can be. Humanity needs to catch up with its technology. We need to educate ourselves of the world’s corruption & greed in order to fight for justice. If we keep reading Perez Hilton instead of the news or feel apathetic about politics instead of voting, what will become of us? What will it take for us to care–when our rights have been stripped, when a country falls to shambles? All of that happened in this year alone, but who cares, when Lady GaGa is following you on Twitter, right? Knowledge is power. Don’t shroud yourself in darkness when there is much good you can do to change the world. Ignorance is not bliss, it is blind idiocy.
Mood » Enervated
Music » “Seek Bromance (Avicii Vocal Edit)” by Tim Berg
Novel » A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
Hello blogosphere, it’s been awhile. I have been busy with school & I am greatly disappointed with my feelings of unattached forlorn in regards to this site & Skeletons MB. However, I’m sure that a new layout & accomplishing everything on my to-do list will surely draw me back into the passion I had for all of this.
Coincidentally, my daily tarot today expressed exactly what I’ve been meaning to discuss. Tarot cards & horoscopes are completely erroneous, but they’re fun to read so I subscribe to them:
The Judgement card suggests that my alter ego is The Compassionate One, whose superpower lies in revelation of my life and worldly events. I will reflect a sense of gratitude for my life and those involved by showing humility, forgiveness and charity. By doing so, I feel a strong redemption for past events — a great liberating feeling. I have punished myself enough and am free at last. Clearing the conscience through forgiving yourself and others can bring an overwhelming sense of peace and joy.
Lately I’ve been stressing out about my academics at UCLA & how I’ve made a mistake that may have cost me the ability to graduate by 2012. However, I don’t regret not realizing my mistake earlier because even though I should’ve taken a chemistry class instead of my Molecular, Cell & Developmental Biology (MCDBio) class on HIV/AIDS & STDs, I gained so much insight from this “mistake”.
My MCDBio class mandated volunteering at organizations for 12 hours & accounted for 20% of our grade. My professor spoke of how roughly 100 students were enrolled, thus contributing 1200 hours of community service to non-profit organizations assisting those living with HIV/AIDS. I found his compassion to be inspirational & his usage of authority to dictate such an assignment to be applaudable. The experience I had volunteering for Being Alive was remarkable. I found myself wanting to do anything & everything I could to help. My assistance was constantly being praised by the staff, which made me feel as though I was an integral addition to the organization even though I only answered calls & shred documents. Something inside me stirred to feel the utmost compassion for this organization & to continue my services there despite completing my 12 hours.
This experience has made me reflect a sense of gratitude for my health, life, & how thankful I am that I am felicitous enough to be the one helping a charity instead of being one. Had I not made the mistake of taking this course, I would’ve never been exposed to Being Alive. I’m thankful that my greatest concerns involve school & allocating my time wisely to my research in Hepatitis B & C. That is significantly better than worrying about becoming resistant to antiviral medications. I need to stop punishing myself & stressing out about little things & enjoy life a little more. The fact that my biggest “predicaments” are grades & research are indications of an auspicious life.
Sometimes we forget how good we have it because we can only see the bad, but the sooner we revel in our good fortune, the sooner we can experience that “overwhelming sense of peace & joy.” After taking that class & completing finals, I’ve felt nothing but peace & joy. Then again, I am finally 21 now.
Mood » Hot
Music » “All I Ask of You (with Penny)” by Skrillex
Novel » Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
Nearly 3 months ago, I watched Blue Valentine, a movie starring Ryan Gosling & Michelle Williams about a young married couple who struggle to maintain their marriage. Every single fight they had reminded me of all the fights I’ve ever had with my exes. The movie was heartbreakingly beautiful with wondrous cinematics, yet I couldn’t help but parallel Williams & Gosling’s on-screen relationship with my relationship with Johnathan. It prompted me to wonder if this would be us one day; broken & now we are.
Johnathan & I terminated our relationship of over a year a week before Valentine’s day. You can only imagine how “blue” I felt on Valentine’s day when he failed to keep his last promise to me: that he would call. It wasn’t exactly a surprise since he’s broken all of his other promises. However, I’m not hurt anymore, nor sad, nor bitter or angry.
I couldn’t help but wonder, where does all of the love that I poured so deeply & passionately into our relationship go after it ends? It’s obvious that what we had wasn’t “true love” since it wasn’t forever, but it didn’t mean that what we felt for each other wasn’t real. I believed with every fiber of my being that he was “the One,” but people change, he changed, & what’s left of our relationship is just but a memory.
So, where does the love go? It goes back to you. Even when Johnathan suggested we stay together during our break-up, I still said, “no.” I still would be in love with him if he were still the man I knew, but I’m not because I love myself more. I have more dignity & self-respect than to sit here & try to make something work when I was the only one trying.
I still believe in having that “one true love” & I will always believe that at one point, Johanthan was mine, but he changed & there’s nothing I could’ve done to keep him. I’m thankful for the year that we spent together because experiencing a love like that is so incredibly rare.
I could live in the past for the rest of my life or I could move on & find someone else who would never give up on us. Instead, I am learning from my past & making the best of the present to prepare for a better future. The time one wastes crying over a guy not even worth one’s time is time you could’ve spent falling in love with someone else, someone who will actually be there in the end. I know I deserve better & I’m actually a lot happier now than I have been in a long time.
I want to thank those of you who took the time to read this. It’s probably the most personal I’ve ever been since high school & I’m not ashamed of it.