Someone Diagnose Me.

Mood » Odd
Music » “Sun & Moon feat. Richard Bedford” by Above & Beyond
Novel » The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

It’s definitely been a very long time since I last wrote a “real” blog. I guess everything & anything I’ve ever wanted to talk about ends up being a discussion with a friend, making it a redundant topic. I’ve never been so disinterested in my most popular site before & it’s still strange to me that I haven’t rushed to return comments from last year. I just don’t get it. Things always change, but I didn’t see this happening until I got into Medical school. I loved this site. It was my baby, my passion; now it sits taking up space.

      The strange this is, this growing apathy is beginning to seep into other aspects of my life from relationships to current affairs. I can’t tell if I’ve somehow lost a part of me that used to truly empathize & sympathize with others or if my heart is turning 50 shades darker edging on stone cold grey. It’s not as though I have the inability to feel–show me videos of cute puppies & I’ll squeal with glee or put on A Little Princess to watch me make a man-made pool in front of your eyes–I just haven’t been able to truly sympathize with specific events. Perhaps I’ve always been this way, but never noticed it before, but it’s caused me to take a step back & ponder the meaning or origin of my apathy.

      A few of my friends & I adventured out to Old Town Pasadena for lunch when we passed what one of them thought was USC, UCLA’s rival. This segued into a conversation on a recent shooting of two innocent USC students near campus. My friend, a very intelligent & passionate individual, spoke about their deaths with such remorse & regret that it wouldn’t have surprised me if she cried. She seemed truly upset by the deaths of these two innocent students, whom she didn’t know, who were at the wrong place at the wrong time. Who’s to blame her for her sympathy? It struck me as odd that I didn’t feel mournful the way she had.

      Is it because innocent people die everyday at every age, whether by weapon(s), disease, starvation, or abuse that I’ve become so jaded? Has the brevity of the situation lost meaning because it happens everywhere? Has my bias against USC’s dangerous neighborhood proved to be so strong that the shootings were not surprising? Am I somehow clinically depressed, but haven’t come to terms with it? Is there something wrong with me? Is my friend overreacting or am I under reacting? Nevertheless, I hope that justice is served. Those families deserve it.

      As I’ve mentioned, I absolutely understand how heartbreaking it is for a family to lose someone who was so young & full of ambitions & goals. You certainly don’t wind up at USC if you’re a bum without ambition. What I’m trying to express is that I didn’t emotionally dwell on the passings the way my friend did. I suppose finding out that 18 people were killed in Syria despite their cease-fire today, got me more riled up, but why? Just because more were killed? I’m not heartless, I swear, rather, just baffled that I didn’t feel what my friend did.

      I cannot begin to describe how many times I’ve felt so distant from someone just because I can’t sympathize with whatever it happens to be that makes them upset or what they’re complaining about. They’re always trivial, petty, uncontrollable events that cause complaints. Other times, my friends would get riled up over their own biased assumptions about something or someone without any evidence. I mean, how do you know that girl gave you a dirty look? You don’t even know her. What if she had something in her eye? Why get your panties in a bunch over something you can’t control?! Either I’ve lost my ability to relate, gained the ability to let go, or I’ve become a lot more rational that it’s practically instinct. Or maybe I’m depressed, but I don’t feel it; I really don’t know. Let’s hope that I’ve just become more rational.